Scared to Lose

I’m scared that I might be losing my heart again.

With all that happened last year, with my first serious relationship that ended in disaster, the fact that I might be falling in love again freaks me out. I can honestly say the first two times I was in love with someone they ended horribly.

And I always feel like the only reason people date me is because they have an alterior motive in mind. So I ask him all the time “why do you like me?”.  I just keep assessing our relationship and comparing it to my past relationships and determining the similarities. Now, it would be smart of me to look at how different he is from those two people, but I just can’t get past the similiarities.

I know he would never intentionally hurt me. I know he would never cheat on me.

But….I’m just starting to realize how much pain I carry from last year. I’m afraid to lose my heart again to someone who might change their mind or fall for someone else.

Why?

Why can’t I just forget the past and live in the now? Why does this hurt so much? Why can’t I just let myself go and go with the flow? I think too much with my head.

See, I can see myself defending my heart from letting him in, especially when I’m around him. He’s like this part of me that I wish I was and when I’m not with him, I’m wishing I was. The fact that someone can get to me like that scares the crap outta me. I’m afraid to let him know how much I care about him. I can’t make myself that vulerable to anyone.

The first person I truly fell for, and gave myself to mind, body and soul to, well I just wasn’t the only girl he was thinking about. And when I found that out…it just broke me. Then, the second person who I’ve felt that close with after him kept changing her mind and broke my heart once again. I just can’t do it again. I know it sounds like I’m just some whining little kid who is just here to bitch about how unfair her life is, but I’m not. I’m just saying that, really, I’m kind of emotionally damaged when it comes to the relationship department.

I lost my courage, my ability to believe love conquers all and my ability to give my heart to someone.

And the worst of it is, he probably is the smartest choice of someone I could pick to fall in love with. I trust him, there’s no doubt about that. I feel close to him. But…I just have doubts about why he’s dating me and I can’t tell him about why I ask him why he likes me all the time. I can’t say what I just want to say to him without crying.

I’ve lost a lot. And I guess I just don’t want to lose anymore. I mean like… I know I’m going to college next year and he’s staying here, so there’s a very good chance that if I gave him my heart I would lose it once more. But it scares me that I don’t care. That I’m willing to risk my heart for him.

Anyways…I’m kind of in a conundrum right now. When I actually do fall for him all the way, I’ll deal with it then.

I mean love always finds a way, doesn’t it?

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~ by amayescapes on January 10, 2010.